5 Heart Smart Steps for Anger Management

Five Heart Smart Steps for Anger Management

Conflict happens to everyone. 

For persons with hidden differences these conflicts can be invisible until there are so many that the person explodes. One hurt builds upon another hurt and no one sees it happening. Conflict self-care is an individual responsibility, but how can we manage it before it grows out of control especially if we deal with FASD, ADHD, SID, ASD and all those other silly D's.

Some of the things that may cause hidden conflicts others do not see or understand:

• When I am blamed for something I didn't do, it is easy to immediately go on the defense because I am not able to confidently dance verbally around the reality. I don't know what words to use to protect myself so I go off to keep the person away.
• When someone uses a big voice instead of speaking to me with kindness, I can feel the hard or aggressive tone and when I feel that tone I am triggered. It is different coming from a woman or a man. From a man it is deeper and I may be triggered quicker because I believe at that moment they are being mean and I react to protect myself. I go into defense to defend myself and I do it without thinking I simply react. With a woman when the voice is firm or bratty, it doesn't make my heart jump so I am not on automatic snap, but I may still be rude to give myself time to think about what just happened. 
• When plans are quickly changed it is overwhelming and frustrating because I have worked my schedule around the situation, and navigated  to get there which can be very difficult on public transportation or relying on another person. I even have to sometimes reschedule my medication times to make an appointment work, so I can be functional at that appointment. I know people without my differences don't understand the extreme rudeness change is for me and how it affects my life.  

1. When your heart is upside down - BREATHE first!

BREATHE - Something has turned your heart upside down... frustration, confusion, bully behaviors, overwhelming situations or just life in general. Realize emotions you may consider negative like anger and pain are not always bad.  

• BREATHE deeply into you belly until you can hold no more air think 'I can get through this, I can handle this, I can do this.' (One way is to count in 7 short breaths)
• BREATHE out your feelings of hurt or anger until you have no air left in your lungs and you need to take another breath. Repeat. (One way is to blow out 8 - 1 long breath and the 7 short breaths)
• Do this as many times as you need to... Repeat - repeat - repeat

If breathing is not working - 

2. Place your hands together and press hard

PRESS YOUR HANDS TOGETHER HARD (like praying flat hands) AND BREATHE- Continue breathing and press your hands together hard. This is when I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding." 

• RAISE YOUR PRESSED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding." 

• RAISE YOUR PRESSED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD, MAKE A BIG CIRCLE OUT AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding" or sometimes by this time I can simply be quiet.... 

If I am still overwhelmed - 

3. Grasp your hands together and hang on for the ride!

GRASP YOUR HANDS TOGETHER (like folded praying hands) AND HOLD ON TIGHT NOW  BREATHE- Continue breathing and grasp your hands together hard. This is when I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe.

• RAISE YOUR GRASPED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe.

• RAISE YOUR GRASPED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD, MAKE A BIG CIRCLE OUT AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe. Usually by this time I am ready for a walk or thinking time. 

Open your new heart - 

4. From your praying or grasped hands open your hands into a new heart - now right side up!

• TAKE A MOMENT FOR YOURSELF - Give yourself a pat on the back for stepping through another hard place. Go for a walk, listen to music that is peaceful, look at something in nature that is beautiful to you (clouds, flowers, trees, animals). 

Take the next step - 

5. Reach out to another person and share your new wisdom.  

• IF YOU LEARNED SOMETHING NEW from this experience of riding your anger safely through a cycle let someone you love know what happened, how you managed it, what you plan to do again and what the person can do to help you navigate this if needed. 

  Do the best that you can.

 Each one of us can reach another in kindness and love. 

Do something for another today.

Special thank you to POWER PEOPLE

Sam, Liz and David - for their counsel in the development of this program. 

Please share in fullness with our connections -  2013 Better Endings New Beginnings

visit http://www.betterendings.org

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Translating the world for a person with fetal alcohol

BEING A "COGNITIVE" TRANSLATOR.

In an abstract world a brain that thinks concretely may need help with interpretation and by having a cognitive translator our daughter can avoid mistakes and frustration in professional meetings in finance, social welfare, medical, and the judicial process. When needed she enlists me as her cognitive translator and I attend the appointment or meeting to make sure the communication between the professional and my daughter is understood.

To translate I make myself an only when necessary piece of her conversations. I may bring a magazine to glance through to look busy or I may catch up on a text message. I make sure to give her the space she needs to manage herself and remain in charge. If she gives me a preset signal, I interject into conversation for clarification. After the end of the meeting I ask for a recap of next steps or meeting.  Cognitive translations provides safety to remain on course and navigate through complicated adult discussion, keep her trust in the professional and increase skills and knowledge.

When she trusts and feels safe she is able to manage more complex situations. With time and experience, she manages her life challenges.

While some professionals consider my attendance a hindrance to her progress I wonder how clearly they understand the brain and metabolic system of a person with fetal alcohol.

For example:

• In a therapy session for anger management, a therapist described the range of emotions: "Emotions are like waves, there will be low times and high times and if you wait through a low time you can ride the wave up to a high time. Then you will ride the wave back down. Like this." (Therapist demonstrated with her hand a waving motion.)  I remained silent, watching my daughter process what she heard. When we arrived in the car, I said, "Your therapist had a good idea today about managing anger, tell me about it." She replied, "I don't get it, why would she want me to ride in a wagon?"  

Why did this miscommunication occur? 

First, we live in Minnesota so she has no experiential frame of reference for a large wave. (Professionals must think what experience this person has that I can connect new learning to) Second, she took "wa" sound and assumed her auditory processing issues had confused her once again. "You can not ride a wave on a Minnesota lake. If you ride on it, could it be a "wagon?" 

How many times "What we say" is not "What is received?

• At a job placement meeting, a counselor stated, "I am a realist, do you think senior citizens would like your hair?" "I am a realist, do you think senior citizen's would like your clothes?" (And she continued with more questions beginning with "I am a realist") When we reached the car, my daughter turned to me and said "Why would a Realtor care how I look for grandmas and grandpas. They like me just how I am." I was glad she had missed the professionals point.
• One adult I have translated for begins nodding her head when she "does not" understand. This provides two results - "The person explaining believes understanding has occurred and stops talking." Another polite adult states, "Thank you so much for telling me that, now I understand." Only later in the safety of her home do you realize the words understood were hot air.

As a cognitive translator, I do not consider myself an external brain any more than I would consider a seeing eye dog an external brain for a person who cannot see. 

My daughter's brain is beautiful - very different from mine and very capable. In a world that has moved from agricultural to industrial to informational and now to communication we have left this population behind. I do not believe my daughter is a lesser person because of her challenges. She is a strong, dynamic adult with valuable insight into a world that often seems to talk too fast and too much.

Cognitive translation empowers versus de-powers.