5 Heart Smart Steps for Anger Management

Five Heart Smart Steps for Anger Management

Conflict happens to everyone. 

For persons with hidden differences these conflicts can be invisible until there are so many that the person explodes. One hurt builds upon another hurt and no one sees it happening. Conflict self-care is an individual responsibility, but how can we manage it before it grows out of control especially if we deal with FASD, ADHD, SID, ASD and all those other silly D's.

Some of the things that may cause hidden conflicts others do not see or understand:

• When I am blamed for something I didn't do, it is easy to immediately go on the defense because I am not able to confidently dance verbally around the reality. I don't know what words to use to protect myself so I go off to keep the person away.
• When someone uses a big voice instead of speaking to me with kindness, I can feel the hard or aggressive tone and when I feel that tone I am triggered. It is different coming from a woman or a man. From a man it is deeper and I may be triggered quicker because I believe at that moment they are being mean and I react to protect myself. I go into defense to defend myself and I do it without thinking I simply react. With a woman when the voice is firm or bratty, it doesn't make my heart jump so I am not on automatic snap, but I may still be rude to give myself time to think about what just happened. 
• When plans are quickly changed it is overwhelming and frustrating because I have worked my schedule around the situation, and navigated  to get there which can be very difficult on public transportation or relying on another person. I even have to sometimes reschedule my medication times to make an appointment work, so I can be functional at that appointment. I know people without my differences don't understand the extreme rudeness change is for me and how it affects my life.  

1. When your heart is upside down - BREATHE first!

BREATHE - Something has turned your heart upside down... frustration, confusion, bully behaviors, overwhelming situations or just life in general. Realize emotions you may consider negative like anger and pain are not always bad.  

• BREATHE deeply into you belly until you can hold no more air think 'I can get through this, I can handle this, I can do this.' (One way is to count in 7 short breaths)
• BREATHE out your feelings of hurt or anger until you have no air left in your lungs and you need to take another breath. Repeat. (One way is to blow out 8 - 1 long breath and the 7 short breaths)
• Do this as many times as you need to... Repeat - repeat - repeat

If breathing is not working - 

2. Place your hands together and press hard

PRESS YOUR HANDS TOGETHER HARD (like praying flat hands) AND BREATHE- Continue breathing and press your hands together hard. This is when I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding." 

• RAISE YOUR PRESSED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding." 

• RAISE YOUR PRESSED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD, MAKE A BIG CIRCLE OUT AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding" or sometimes by this time I can simply be quiet.... 

If I am still overwhelmed - 

3. Grasp your hands together and hang on for the ride!

GRASP YOUR HANDS TOGETHER (like folded praying hands) AND HOLD ON TIGHT NOW  BREATHE- Continue breathing and grasp your hands together hard. This is when I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe.

• RAISE YOUR GRASPED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe.

• RAISE YOUR GRASPED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD, MAKE A BIG CIRCLE OUT AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe. Usually by this time I am ready for a walk or thinking time. 

Open your new heart - 

4. From your praying or grasped hands open your hands into a new heart - now right side up!

• TAKE A MOMENT FOR YOURSELF - Give yourself a pat on the back for stepping through another hard place. Go for a walk, listen to music that is peaceful, look at something in nature that is beautiful to you (clouds, flowers, trees, animals). 

Take the next step - 

5. Reach out to another person and share your new wisdom.  

• IF YOU LEARNED SOMETHING NEW from this experience of riding your anger safely through a cycle let someone you love know what happened, how you managed it, what you plan to do again and what the person can do to help you navigate this if needed. 

  Do the best that you can.

 Each one of us can reach another in kindness and love. 

Do something for another today.

Special thank you to POWER PEOPLE

Sam, Liz and David - for their counsel in the development of this program. 

Please share in fullness with our connections -  2013 Better Endings New Beginnings

visit http://www.betterendings.org

Need to encourage your place of faith to have a
special needs inclusive ministry? Read more

How to help children with fetal alcohol understand and think

The Kulp family home schooled for five years and over that time we learned to meet the children we schooled at the level of thinking they were capable of at the moment. Depending on rest, stress, diet and daily schedule abilities fluctuated. We have provided the Hierarchy of Thinking Skills by Benjamin Blom to help you work, live, laugh and love your child. Armed with this information you may be able to take an assignment or project and adapt it to the child's success. This developmental chart and over 30 others are available in our 3rd Edition of Our FAScinating Journey - Keys to Brain Potential Along the Path of Prenatal Brain Injury by Jodee Kulp

Blom’s Taxonomy Hierarchy of Thinking Skills (Benjamin Blom)

LOWER LEVEL THINKING

1. Knowledge — To remember information you have learned. Remembering facts, terms, definitions, 
concepts, principles.


• recognition

• recall

What? Who?  list, name, define, describe, order, recite, list, record, recall, label, reproduce, match, repeat, underline, state, recognize, relate.
  

By  books, facts, events, TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, films, tapes, CD’s and movies

2. Comprehension — to understand the meaning of things learned.


• interpretation
• translation
  
• extrapolation


Explain. How? Why? interpret, summarize, give examples, predict, translate, arrange, locate, indicate, describe, restate, sort, classify, translate, express, discuss, extrapolate.

By  diagrams, puzzles, logs. stories, games, journal, reports, task cards, illustrations, drawings

3. Application — Using information in a new way to solve a problem.

• implication

Apply compute, solve, modify, construct, sketch, practice, illustrate, measure, schedule, choose, use, demonstrate, prepare, operate.
By  diagrams, model illustrations, photographs, sculpture, model stories, diorama, scrapbook, puzzles, mobile, collection, map

HIGHER LEVEL THINKING

4. Analysis — to break down knowledge into parts and show relationships among those parts. Physical, historical, functional descriptions 

• elements
• relationship
• organization

Examine. How? What?  analyze, diagram, question, appraise, test, calculate, discriminate, distinguish, categorize, compare, criticize, contrast, experiment, inventory.

By  graphs, charts, surveys, events, diagrams, objects, reports, commercials, puzzles, questionnaires.

5. Synthesis — to produce something original from elements and components of previous knowledge. To bring together.

• unique communicate
• plan or set 
• abstract relations 

Organize. Bring together 
arrange, design, prepare, assemble, formulate, propose, collect, manage, set up, compose, synthesize, create, plan, write, construct, modify, conduct.
By stories, news, articles, poems, games, magazines, TV shows, cartoons, recipes, plays, songs, machines, puppet shows, hypothesis, advertisements

6. Evaluation — to make judgments based on pre-established criteria.

• internal evidence (logical accuracy, consistency)
• external evidence (application of external criteria)

 Support. Why? Why not?  appraise, estimate, select, argue, evaluate, assess, judge, value, attack, predict, score, compare, rate, defend.

By polls, group letters, surveys, recommendations, evaluations, panels, simulations, discussions, news items, court trials.

Sleep Strategies for Children With Fetal Alcohol

Wear them out - wear them out I repeat - fun and laughter and sunshine and water and dirt and play. Running and jumping and fun after school or being overwhelmed in learning new things. A healthy meal and then begin to build in household peace.

Bringing calm to a household of atypical children can be difficult. By developing a sleep transition system you provide your children a lifetime strategy to learn to calm, rest and gain sleep.

We found over the years that the following things made a difference:

1. Begin shutting off blue light (cell phones, television, computers) two hours before going to bed and change sounds in the home to quiet music or soft nature. Move to a warmer spectrum of lighting. Blue light (which is the light we have during most of the day limits our production of melatonin, in the absence of blue light, melatonin production increases and we get sleepier. 
2. Shake the "zingys" off - we found rapidly waving the hands, kicking the feet or shaking the whole body helped move energy. "We cast off the troubles of the day." All the yuck fell off... or at least we tried.  If you have night lights this is the time to engage the children to tip toe and slowly turn them all on while turning house lights off or dimming them mouse quiet.
3. Prepare a warm bath with a chamomile, lavender, sandalwood scent and let the child soak while you write your to do list for the morning and then leave it! 
4. Dim the lights.  We had a BETA FIGHTING FISH in a night lighted tank in the bathroom that was always alert to protect children padding in to go potty in the middle of the night. If you are staying in the bathroom while the children bathe, use a scented candle and dim the lights. I put the candle away when I am done and hide it.
5. Tumble the towels and pajamas in the dryer to warm and wrap a child. Drying with a warm towels helps in the transition of leaving the bathtub and warm pajamas help in the transition from towel to bed clothes. 
6. Practice some gentle slow stretching - help your child find stretches that are soothing.
7. Read a kind, happy story with child in bed (Goodnight Moon and Nuzzle: Love Between a Boy and His Service Dog). We found a number of gentle reading places - the hammock in the summer, the porch swing or rocking glider, a snuggly day bed, bean bags and puppies, a tent bed or into their room. Settle in the critters - stuffed animals, service dog or pet dogs, dolls, cats - into proper places. Click to see children's tent and trundle beds | some great hammocks
8. Soft circle touches or brushes from knee to toes, elbows to fingers and on face - clockwork circles beginning at the 6 o'clock help to soothe (children with sensory issues may need different kinds of touches - some days our daughter wants light friction or deep pressure - she usually has an idea of what will help her best.)
9. Mist the monsters. We use a spritzer with lavender, chamomile, sandalwood, or sage to scare out whatever might be in the closet or under the bed. 
10. Give a day of thanks. We say prayers. This final quiet time is for remembering all the good things in the day and being thankful and asking for protection for all the people we love - prayers in our house could take a while because even neighbors dogs or the tree squirrels could be added.

Now it's mom and dad's turn. Depending on the rules in your home - ours was unless you need to potty after prayers you wait until the sun comes up to get out of bed - in the summer THAT could be early! This is the time I write in my journal or read before I fall asleep or at least quietly eyes closed rest.

Read more about blue light

Following are some fun bedtime sleep tents and trundles - some children need very empty rooms - for others these are marvelous.