Bear In Mind

The bear is back in my mind
a grizzly wrizzly izzly bear
with a flurry of surly wurly feelings
that want to grow
and growl
and snarl
but they can't
because there is nothing
and nowhere to place
the snarly warly barring teeth
feelings so real.

I have no fairy wand
to wave
to make life better
- to change what has been done
to 45,000 children a year
in this country.

Under the hearts
of those who say
they love them.

I want to shout
loud
and clear that

DRINKING

while pregnant must stop
and . . .

that the person
you are growing matters.

That this person
matters to me
and to the others
who will love
and care
and hold the little
he or she.

The bear is back
in my mind as I remember
when you came
so small,
with arms so thin
and legs so small
you were 'bearly'
a nothing at all
except a very big voice.

Bear in mind -
A growling raging voice
proclaiming your incidious beginning.
And not yet half a year
you vomited every thing you tried to eat
until we found the special foods
so you could survive.

And the mama bear in my mind
went looking
for answers
to help you live
and grow.

And you did.

Bear in mind -
A growling raging voice
proclaiming you
could not be touched
or held
or cuddled
and I wanted
a snuggly
wuggly
buggly child
who I could hold-

and so the mama bear in me
found ways to enjoy you
and realize that you loved
the best you could-
until we learned about
how your body worked
and the sensory issues
and the missing pieces
and misconnections
at age twelve

Twelve years too late.

how could a mother not know?
or doctors?
or others so educated-
the bear in mind was there searching
- but not finding
asking
with no answers
because I did not
have the right questions.

Bear in mind -
A growling raging voice
proclaiming that fun things to do
were too intense
and yet you
my child were the most
intense of all-

and I learned to calm
and quiet all the grizzly voices
in my mind
and not add energy
to energy
so you could learn
and grow
and go
and do like other children

- and you grew into a
giving,
loving,
forgiving child
woven with the grizzly bears
of your mind
we did not understand.
Alien in a world I understood
that could not understand you.
With media
and advertisement
undermining all we said-
because they knew
and we didn't
and they were the truth.

Oh the bear in my mind
wants to pound my chest
and more than growl.

Do bears roar?

Bear in mind -

You grew
and you grew
and you grew away
becausewe were not
who you wanted to be
- could be
- would be

The bears in our minds
no longer can remain silent
- pushing each other away
with our snarls and growls
and stares.

We were not the MTV family
or the Bratz
or the Glamour girls-

we were happy in our litle den
with our close friends
doing close friend things-

while you my little cub
needed to run and explore
what you believed were
pots of honey
at ends of rainbows
that did not exist
except in the media
of music and video.

The bear in my mind
watched as you worked your way
through your imagination
of Truth with brain injury
caused by alcohol to the unborn
- 100% preventable

-I asked my child what happens
when you go around the same tree
over
and over
and in her brain injured wisdom
she shared.
"I fall down like a nut."

I smile.
I laugh.
And I know there is hope.

Bear in mind
-I hope you have come
to the end of yourself
dear little baby bear
- your spirit still intact
- so that it can change
the course of history
for others

- you my child are one
- only one of many
- too many
- 45,000 a year too many.

The bear in my mind
wants to hybernate-
to go away
and sleep it all off
as a bad dream

but there must be no hybernation
we and weery
mother bears
and
father bears
must remain awake.

We must embrace
the voices of those
45,000 a year
450,000 in ten years

- we must stand together
with all our bears
in our minds
and change the course of
time.