Money and FASD - Create Live Abiltities - Spending Plan

Spending Plan

The word BUDGET
does not fit in with FASD jargon. 

Guest Blogger - Ann Yurcek -
originally published at
Keeping Up with Tiny Titan



One of the hallmarks of FASD is their inability to understand money.

1. It takes planning skills.
2. It takes abilities to think on many different planes
3. And of course impulse control is another struggle for those who are affected by prenatal alcohol exposure. 

Too many steps, too much abstract thinking and of course too much planning ahead for someone struggling with executive function deficits.

With my adopted sib set, I have had many lessons in what to do, not do, and what to expect with money and their FASD.

First, a REP PAYEE or SPENDING MANAGER needs to be in place or they will face many problems that can have huge ramifications. Bill collectors, homelessness, hunger and too many phone calls home to Mom and Dad.  My phone rings way too often from bill collectors who were given our numbers trying to find one of my FASD adult children who have no concept of money, no job, and no ability to pay back the bill. 

I have learned any money in their hands is NOW MONEY and it will be GONE in an instant. So lets get started in helping our young person...

Free Downloaded Printed Money to work with

What I have learned....

Money is abstract...  they need to see the money. If the money is automatically drafted into a bank account they cannot see it. They do not understand something that is not tangible. Debit cards, checks, credit cards are a disaster. 

They need to have CONCRETE RULES around money.

The word BUDGET does not fit in FASD jargon. A friend of mine suggested  SPENDING PLAN.

What do they do with their money? SPEND it.

• BILLS FIRST
• FOOD and Personal care items SECOND.

What do they need to save for next? 

• Clothing savings, 
• Phone replacement
• Whatever they really want. 

THEN the allowance or fun money!

Slowly dole out the remainder in short increments on the same day of every week to avoid the "I need more money" phone calls.

But how do we help them understand money and how much and where it all goes when they do not understand math, or time, or planning.

I watched the Cosby Show with my younger boys when they were teens and a light bulb went off when Cliff Huxtable was trying to explain how little money he was going to have if Theo did not get a good job because he did not want to attend school.  Cliff used Monopoly Money to give Theo the money he would earn on a mediocre job and where it would all go. Cliff pulled the money for Rent, Theo said he would live in a less attractive apartment and pulled some back, then he pulled the money for the car and Theo said he would ride the motor bike, and asked about clothes, and of course Theo gave up some money as he wanted to dress well. Then Theo pleased with all that was left and Cliff reminded him he still needed to eat. There went another two hundred dollars and Theo took back another hundred and said he would eat bologna and cereal. Then Cliff asked him if he was going to have a girlfriend and after a YES, a smiling Dad took the rest of his money. (The Episode of Cosby we watched with my boys ).

My boys were shocked by the episode on TV and it sparked a learning moment that I will never be more thankful for. They understood the concept of spending plans.

I have used it to help explain where all their SSI checks would go, I have used play money to represent the real money sitting in the bank. It has made an impact.

My favorite Money Set to help with my kids  
I used this set to teach my kids to count change, make change, and figure out anything to do with money. 

Otherwise go hit up the dollar store for play money to use to show where the money goes.

** Note always use play money as real money may be too tempting for many of the kids with FASD, I learned early on that my counting change jar would turn up missing and no one had done it, even when confronted with the change in his pockets.

Granted any money left, would be spent in a moment of impulsivity.

The Innocents... FASD.... Victims

The Right to a Healthy Brain

GUEST POST by ANN YURCEK -
award winning author Tiny Titan
Keeping Up with the Tiny Titan -
original post April 3, 2013


I was talking with a friend today about a conversation with Miss Dee who was talking about her FASD.

"Why did she and Little Guy not have the right to be born with healthy brains?"   

How can I answer that question?

We  were venting about the unfairness of FASD.  Those who have FASD are innocent victims. Innocent Victims of being exposed to alcohol prenatally and further victimized by the lack of appropriate services. There is no place for people on the spectrum to fit. Mental Health services, Developmental Disabilities, Autism, are the silos where they can garner support for their prenatally acquired brain injuries. But for many who are on the spectrum they "just" don't fit. FASD is not even in the DSM as a disorder. So many service silos require a fail first mentality, you have to fall so far to get any help. We need preventative early intervention services from birth on and life long support for those affected.

For the fortunate few, they can fit someplace. They fit on the DD if their IQ's are low enough, or on the Autism Spectrum if they have enough social inadequacies or sensory issues, or on the Mental Health Spectrum when they have floundered and failed enough to fall into secondary mental health issues. People who have a Traumatic Brain Injury have a silo to garner services, but not FASD.

But also, why can't we get help for those with FASD's. It is a shame based disorder. Most will not get diagnosed to the root cause. It is OK to have ADHD, ADD, Autism Spectrum Disorders, LD ( learning disability), or other mental health problems in our society. But to get diagnosed, there has to be confirmation of drinking alcohol during the pregnancy which then becomes someones fault. In our legalistic society, we blame the parents, we blame something for outcomes.  What parent is brave enough to admit they caused their child's brain injury? There are a few courageous Parents who love their child enough to do it. But most who are diagnosed are not the families of origin.

Kids from the foster care system or adopted from one of the countries known for their alcohol comsumption are sometimes fortunate enough to get diagnosed at a good diagnostic center. But many will still be missed. For many of the others, it is the other "little" d's that they will be their umbrella.  ADHD, ADD,  ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), AD, SID, ASD, BD, DD, OCD, LD. So many little d's that they will find a label, but never the underlying cause.

But finding the root cause does not help our kids/adults,if we can be fortunate enough to find a diagnosis. They still will have to be served under one of the umbrella's that often times are a poor fit.  Many will not.

But there is no place for them to find supportive services that really address their unique needs.  They are often too bright to feel comfortable but will not qualify for services under the Developmental Disabilities Category. They are not Mentally Ill enough to qualify for MH services until they really fall apart. Sometimes when their predisposition for Substance Abuse Issues gets them addicted enough, they may qualify for their services, but they can't manage to learn and keep the sobriety they teach.

Many a parent calls who have that young person who barely passed high school, who cannot hold a job, they may or may not have gotten special education services and they were adopted or live with a kinship caregiver and know that their young person has been prenatally exposed and they are floundering on where to go next. They do not have enough documentation or they have been held together by the families support and they know that their loved one cannot make it on their own. They want to know what to do, where to go for help? 

I have heard some professionals who actually think these kids can outgrow their Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders???   There were those who told me that it was TOO LATE to help my children and just write them off.

We need HOPE, we need HELP, and we need to recognize FASD.

They were innocent victims of prenatal alcohol exposure and they will pay a lifelong price for their mother's drinking. 

Steps into Live Abilities - We take ''DIS out

Purposeful Living - Striving for the Best

Sam giving MN Govenor Dayton one
of our Live Abilities introduction cards

My father often said, "If you have a problem, shake it out, shake it up, turn it upside down. Problems are opportunities to solve." And solve my father did - rising to managing the construction of high rise construction and building a round house with scraps of this and that - because he could—the we in family could. 

My father lived a purposeful life filled with Live Abilities without a 'dis among us. Why? Because he believed it wasn't where you came from that mattered, what matters is now you do your today. 

- Jodee Kulp, Trail Guide for Live Abilities

Purposeful living is how you live in your NOW!

So how does one achieve purposeful living? 

The first step in our Live Abilities program is discovering your strengths and being truthful about all the challenges you face. 

We get our challenges off our hearts and onto a piece of paper where we can pick them up at anytime we feel the need or leave them there. We put them in a safe place for rediscovery as we grow.

Then we brainstorm our strengths:

• What are we good at? 
• Where in life have we found the most enjoyment? 
• What was happening? When? 
• What do we really have fun doing? How come?

Then we find two or three sober and faith based people to become our Braided Cords -  Each of these individuals will provide additional strength, support and flexibility to allow change to occur. 

Join Us on our Journey - Liz and Sam

We just relaunched our revised website for adults with hidden differences at www.betterendings.org 

Create Live Abilities - Can’t not won’t, but not impossible! - Money Management

Learning that my kids with FASD actually cannot do some things and are not willfully, or intentionally, NOT doing those things,
was the biggest relief to me!

Money Management Strategy

GUEST POST by Terry Quinn with Ann Yurcek

Originally posted in Parenting FASD Kids on April 3, 2013

While raising up my nine, I had expectations of all of my children, but it seemed that Jon was always falling short. I was frustrated often, along with his teachers. I didn’t realize he had FASD until he was in high school, so we did not understand all that we were dealing with. It was quite painful on a constant basis. There were often upset teachers, principals, friends and classmates, with Jon.

He never stopped talking. I mean NEVER!  He never had alot to say but he found a way to talk all the time anyway. Most of it was silly talk. I found it odd that a kid who would never stop talking, had nothing to say to me when we were alone in the car. This same thing happened if he was at a doctor’s office, psychological doctor etc. So, doctor’s didn’t recognize a problem with ADHD. He was always this quiet little thing with them.

I think I figured that out now that we have learned so much about FASD. When Jon was with his friends, he was very stimulated all the time. Therefore his response was to talk and talk and talk.

When he was with me alone, things were calm. Since his talking was usually nonsense and goofy stuff, I wasn’t going to chat like that with him. So I would always ask him things to draw him into a conversation and he would give me simple answers. Often those simple answers were , I don’t know, I don’t remember, or he might tell me a lie because that is often the way kids with FASD cover for their lack. They make stuff up. If they don’t know, or can’t remember, they find out that they can make stuff up. It seems to satisfy mom and dad until one finds out that it is a lie, and then they are in trouble, but they don’t remember what they lied about, so they lie again.

Parents are often frustrated when their child lies because they want their kid to become an upstanding and honest citizen and they feel like they are a failure if their kid is lying to them.

What I didn’t understand then and I do now, is that my child could not tell the truth all the time because he either didn’t know it, didn’t remember it, or didn’t want to be in trouble because he has had so much pain in his life already that he has to protect himself.

I sure wish someone would have explained that to me when I was raising up my kids with FASD. It would have saved me a whole lot of frustration and pain.

However, here is where I often see today’s parent of kids with FASD missing the mark. They are now getting the message that their kids “Can’t not Won’t” , so they are accepting that their child is brain injured and that is the end.

NO NO NO!!! We cannot do that. If we do, we are going to stunt our children’s growth and possibilities.  Maybe at that point in their life, they truly “can’t not won’t”, in some area, BUT we must still continue to teach and discipline. I do not advocate that we live in frustration and discouragement over what our child cannot do. I never knew that my kids had FASD, so I treated them all the same. YES there were times when we are far more frustrated and upset then we should have, or could have been. BUT I continued to teach and give my kids consequences for their digressions and today I have some pretty awesome young adults who CAN in alot of areas that they use to not be able to. They did learn.  My daughter Desi RARELY lies to me now. She no longer steals from me. She learned. I didn’t just accept that she could not learn these things. I kept working at it. I would say that she and Jon required twice as much work as any of my other kids, but it was so worth it. All things are possible if we believe and work at it.

My kids are young adults now and there are still areas that they “Can’t, not Won’t”, struggle in. I am still educating and learning new ways to help them. I believe that there is a whole lot out there that I am just now getting myself about FASD. 

It is a complex issue.

I am now studying the book that Jodee Kulp wrote “Our FAScinating Journey” available at: http://www.fasdbookstore.com/. It is very educational about the brain. It was a bit deep for me when I first read it, but now it is clicking with me. I am FAScinated by it. lol.  Our brains are so complex. I will be adding some more of my understanding about the brain as I continue my series on parenting kids with FASD and individual issues relating to it.

Every day Desi is an education for me. As she has grown older and her peers passed her in high school with development, I began to see where she was struggling the most. It kind of just showed up when she peaked in certain areas and didn’t seem to be able to get passed them.

The biggest areas that she struggles with today are memory and organization. These two struggles effect every area of her life though.

So in these areas, Desi “Can’t not Won’t”. She cannot do math in her head. She cannot get all that I say to her at one time. Her processing ability is slow and her memory doesn’t save the first words with the next words.

Have you ever listened to an auctioneer? Do you get every word that they say? You mind has to go really fast to pick it all up. One thing that helps is that they are speaking the same thing over and over, so you can get it. But let’s pretend that an auctioneer was trying to explain to you how to fix a washing machine.  They gave you ten tasks in a row that were step by step fixes for the washing machine and they gave it to you really fast in their auctioneer language.

Did you get all those steps? 
Do you remember them all? 
Could you now go and fix the washer? 
I would certainly be lost on the first step, because ONE, I don’t know how to fix a washer, TWO, they spoke it so fast that my mind couldn’t process it all that fast and Three, I have no interest in fixing a washing machine. I am going to hire someone to do it, so forget that.

So in that instant, I “can’t, not Won’t”, but I am also Won’t because...

I am going to hire someone.
I refuse to learn all that stuff.

Well now let’s take one of our kids and their slower processing brain and tell them to "Do the dishes" which actually means... (the WHOLE "do the dishes" package)
    ....Now you wash the dishes
        ...you dry the dishes
            ...you clean out the dirty sink
                ...then you wash off the counters 
                   ...and clean out the dish cloth.

My Desi has heard wash the dishes, but the rest was too fast for her brain to process AND she doesn’t want to do the dishes, so it doesn’t interest her to remember the rest.

Of course her memory struggles anyway, but some of us parents are going to see that our kids will get things that are important to them and wonder how they got that and not the dishes.

Does this make sense?  Ok, this is going to sound like I am taking my adult child back to kindergarten, but our kids are visual learners, not so much audio. Their minds can see pictures better then they can process words.So if I make a chart with a small picture of each step of the dishes and put it in front of Desi, she can easily understand how to do the dishes.

If that same auctioneer made me a chart with pictures of how to fix the washing machine, well I might actually get the idea that I can fix that washer, if it is physically possible for me to do those things.

Is this making sense?  It is to me and I SO WISH that I knew this when my kids were little. 

Ann Yurcek author of Tiny Titan, Journey of Hope, also available at: http://www.fasdbookstore.com/ ,is a close friend of mine. She has raised five adopted children with FASD and now currently has a sixth little one.  We brain storm together often about how to help our kids. She has some pretty awesome ideas and I am learning a lot from her. And, what ever I learn, I am sharing here because we all need this. 


So we have been discussing about our kids with FASD and how we just talk too much to them.  We need to go back to kindergarten and find out what kindergarten teachers use. They work a lot more with visuals. You will see a kindergarten class room is full of wall pictures. The alphabet is on the wall. Numbers are on the wall. They use flash cards.

This is because our younger kids are visual learners, not so good with audio. WHY? Visual is concrete. Audio is not always concrete and often abstract. Our kids very often are stuck in concrete thinking. Their brain’s are not able to visualize abstract understanding.

Often people with Total Brain Injuries (TBI) have  impaired abstract thinking  that is frequently associated with reduced foresight, judgment, insight, reasoning, creativity, problem solving, and mental flexibility.

Ok, for today we are concentrating on abstract thinking.  Math requires abstract thinking, which is why our kids often have great difficulty with math.

Desi cannot add things in her head. She gets very frustrated with very simple numbers if she has to add them in her head.

This week we had a huge issue with her paycheck. I have been trying to help her understand how bills operate since she got her new job in September and is not 18.

So in my educational mind, I am telling her if she has a pay check of 309.00 and her bills add up to 200.00, her food is 50.00 for two weeks, she has 59.00 left. But again in my “educational mind, that thinks this is just so darn freaking easy to figure out, I just simply ask her to do the math. She can get the 200 plus 50, then she struggles to figure out what is left. Not easy for her at all. I plug in “Terry she cannot do this” into my brain and recognize that she “Can’t not Won’t” add numbers.

Then she says, wait Mom, that can’t be right. There has to be more. OH YEAH, I get 50.00 allowance too. WHAT?  Where did she get that?

Well before I started trying to teach her how to budget her money, I simply gave her 50.00 from her two week paycheck and I paid her bills.

Some how she put that together with her money and thought she had both!  I wanted to laugh and freak out at the same time. My poor girl cannot figure this out.  What am I going to do?

That is when Ann came up with a SPENDING PLAN because that is what Desi needed to do—spend what money she has wisely... There is no way BUDGETING was going to be the answer - we had to call it what it is in Desi's mind - she is spending HER money!

1. Get her some play money. Since her check is direct deposit and we don’t have the money in hand, we needed a visual.
2. So, I got the play money.... with FREE DOWNLOADs I printed

• Bills at http://www.printableplaymoney.net/category/small 
• Coins at http://www.printableplaymoney.net/category/coins  

And I counted out 309.00 and she paid her bills out of it. 

 It worked! She got it! She could see the money. She could not get it from me telling her she had 59.00 and actually thought that she had 50 more because she can’t reason all that in her own mind.

It was confusing to her, but when she had the money
right in front of her to see, she got it.

So Desi honestly “can’t, not won’t”  do math in her head, but when given a visual, she can do the impossible!!!!!!!  She can also use a calculator pretty well.

So yes, knowing and understanding that our kids have areas from brain injury in utero, where they honestly “can’t not won’t”, helps us parents so much with our frustration and pain over their lack and behaviors that are puzzling.  However just because they appear to “can’t not won’t” in a certain area, does not mean that it is impossible to teach them. We need to keep trying and try different if there is a different way. It may seem a lot harder with them. It may take a lot more effort. It may be totally again’st what we believe or think, but we can change too. We can learn what works with our child and put that into action. It is when we are willing to put those things into action that our “can’t not won’t” child, CAN!!!

 

Thank you Lord that with YOU,
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Terry Quinn

kidznlildogz@aol.com

5 Heart Smart Steps for Anger Management

Five Heart Smart Steps for Anger Management

Conflict happens to everyone. 

For persons with hidden differences these conflicts can be invisible until there are so many that the person explodes. One hurt builds upon another hurt and no one sees it happening. Conflict self-care is an individual responsibility, but how can we manage it before it grows out of control especially if we deal with FASD, ADHD, SID, ASD and all those other silly D's.

Some of the things that may cause hidden conflicts others do not see or understand:

• When I am blamed for something I didn't do, it is easy to immediately go on the defense because I am not able to confidently dance verbally around the reality. I don't know what words to use to protect myself so I go off to keep the person away.
• When someone uses a big voice instead of speaking to me with kindness, I can feel the hard or aggressive tone and when I feel that tone I am triggered. It is different coming from a woman or a man. From a man it is deeper and I may be triggered quicker because I believe at that moment they are being mean and I react to protect myself. I go into defense to defend myself and I do it without thinking I simply react. With a woman when the voice is firm or bratty, it doesn't make my heart jump so I am not on automatic snap, but I may still be rude to give myself time to think about what just happened. 
• When plans are quickly changed it is overwhelming and frustrating because I have worked my schedule around the situation, and navigated  to get there which can be very difficult on public transportation or relying on another person. I even have to sometimes reschedule my medication times to make an appointment work, so I can be functional at that appointment. I know people without my differences don't understand the extreme rudeness change is for me and how it affects my life.  

1. When your heart is upside down - BREATHE first!

BREATHE - Something has turned your heart upside down... frustration, confusion, bully behaviors, overwhelming situations or just life in general. Realize emotions you may consider negative like anger and pain are not always bad.  

• BREATHE deeply into you belly until you can hold no more air think 'I can get through this, I can handle this, I can do this.' (One way is to count in 7 short breaths)
• BREATHE out your feelings of hurt or anger until you have no air left in your lungs and you need to take another breath. Repeat. (One way is to blow out 8 - 1 long breath and the 7 short breaths)
• Do this as many times as you need to... Repeat - repeat - repeat

If breathing is not working - 

2. Place your hands together and press hard

PRESS YOUR HANDS TOGETHER HARD (like praying flat hands) AND BREATHE- Continue breathing and press your hands together hard. This is when I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding." 

• RAISE YOUR PRESSED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding." 

• RAISE YOUR PRESSED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD, MAKE A BIG CIRCLE OUT AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding" or sometimes by this time I can simply be quiet.... 

If I am still overwhelmed - 

3. Grasp your hands together and hang on for the ride!

GRASP YOUR HANDS TOGETHER (like folded praying hands) AND HOLD ON TIGHT NOW  BREATHE- Continue breathing and grasp your hands together hard. This is when I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe.

• RAISE YOUR GRASPED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe.

• RAISE YOUR GRASPED HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD, MAKE A BIG CIRCLE OUT AND BREATHE  -  This helps the tightness I feel in my shoulders, arms and neck. I continue to I say "_______, give me love, peace, joy and understanding. Against such things there is no law." Try to relax your hands as you breathe. Usually by this time I am ready for a walk or thinking time. 

Open your new heart - 

4. From your praying or grasped hands open your hands into a new heart - now right side up!

• TAKE A MOMENT FOR YOURSELF - Give yourself a pat on the back for stepping through another hard place. Go for a walk, listen to music that is peaceful, look at something in nature that is beautiful to you (clouds, flowers, trees, animals). 

Take the next step - 

5. Reach out to another person and share your new wisdom.  

• IF YOU LEARNED SOMETHING NEW from this experience of riding your anger safely through a cycle let someone you love know what happened, how you managed it, what you plan to do again and what the person can do to help you navigate this if needed. 

  Do the best that you can.

 Each one of us can reach another in kindness and love. 

Do something for another today.

Special thank you to POWER PEOPLE

Sam, Liz and David - for their counsel in the development of this program. 

Please share in fullness with our connections -  2013 Better Endings New Beginnings

visit http://www.betterendings.org

Need to encourage your place of faith to have a
special needs inclusive ministry? Read more

Shoutin' Out About the Realities of Fetal Alcohol

I am so proud of my A-Team who worked super hard all day shouting out about the realities of FASD in the life of adults living with these challenges.

We passed out 100  - 049 MOFAS chapsticks - got lots of commitments for Baby Showers and Sobriety Pledges, met a great group of men really interested in making a difference in supporting women, talked with a restaurant interested in hosting Baby Showers for 049 in 2013 - and hundreds of other wonderful people.

Great job A-Team! See ya'll tomorrow at the Minneapolis Convention Center Health Life Expo...

Want to join us... You can come FREE --- just bring something for the food shelf!!!

Minneapolis Healthy Life Expo to Build Better Baby Brains

 Introducing our new program for 2013 call Live Abilities for adults with hidden differences. Stay tuned!

Liz, Sam and I will head out soon for the Healthy Life Expo. Our booth placement is next to the STAGE at the Minneaplis Convention Center and it couldn't be better. We look forward to introducing people to FASD and supporting MOFAS in their 049 Pregnant Pause. Hoping to help future baby brains.